"THE KANGAROO & I" from FAKE NEWS by Vernon Rust

THE KANGAROO & I DID'NT SEE EACH OTHER before it was too late.

The impact was respectable...our mutual surprise, instant and lingering.

HE WAS about 7 foot tall, a "BIG RED" in a big hurry.

Me? a fallen from grace American expat wanna be, running from Australian Federales at 5 AM, dancing down a hill so fast, my legs almost running out from under me....

Yes, you're right , the odds would be against such a collision in the middle of the Queensland bush, at this particular hour . . . but somehow, sometimes . . . the universe fulfills its true comedy quota.

And  BOOM!

Both of us flat on our arses, catching our breath.

A Koala gives a sleepy look down from it’s gum tree.

Somewhere in the distance . .  .

                                                      . . .  a Kookaburra laughed.

from the bestselling new book FAKE NEWS on Amazon  http://a.co/ctBGQiF

SHELBY COUNTY JAIL Vernon Rust, from FAKE NEWS

MEMPHIS 1990...FRIDAY NIGHT...8 PM. ME, BARELY OUT OF ARKANSAS, JUST ACROSS THE BRIDGE, JUST ACROSS FROM THE PYRAMID...BEING HANDCUFFED ACROSS THE HOOD OF THE CRUISER.

ALL MY SHIT scattered out on the side of the highway...being searched & picked through...when HERE COMES the MAN!... the biggest black cop I've ever seen...there must have been 7 feet of him stuffed in his uniform, the buttons straining at the thread . . . he looked rather like a giant burned sausage . . . in a smoky bear hat.

 His hands were big as baseball mitts. Picture a gigantic chocolate soft serve ice cream cone, with a Bo Diddly’s head hurriedly stuck on top.

Either I was in a great deal of trouble . . . or guest starring in a twilight zone. Neither would serve me happiness.

THERE HE WAS, the posterchild for “black men with badges who turn on their own kind once they put on a uniform”…acting all joyous & joke crackin’...holding my huge bag of weed and the 357 magnum way up in the strobing blue lights for his little sheriff buddies to see...EUREKA!...BINGO!!

He has…

 “LOcated the EVidence in the suspect’s    “VEEchle!”...”HEEHaw!”

He was doing a little jiggy victory dance...like some idiot on the price is right......(he got so excited, he even had to put down his family size bag of “hot fries” he was goin’ at when he got the call on the radio…)

I WAS literally 5 minutes away from me mates house...who were literally having a "Let's cheer up ole Vern" party....I'd make it there alright , just a short four days later...but hell, I'm getting way ahead of myself....

WILL: "Hello?"

            ME: "Will! Man I'm............."

WILL:" Verrrn! Where the hell are you man? Everybody's waitin’ on you!"

ME:  "Will, I'm in JAIL! Let me talk to Clay right NOW! PLEASE!"

WILL: (hollerin’ over his shoulder to the rambunctious crowd awaiting me, their guest of honor) "Vern sez he's in jail! Ha ha ha ha oh, buddy...heh heh…whew! No kidding Vern, where the hell are you?"

ME: "GODDAMMIT Will…Listen! this is my one phone call...I'm, no shit, downtown, in jail...no kidding, I'm in some real trouble...now, would you please...very kindly, put Clay on the FUCKING PHONE!?"

 WILL: "Vern says he wants to talk to Clay"...(trailing off)

 CLAY: "heh heh heh....VERRRN! Where the hell are you man?"

ME: (banging my head on the payphone now) "Clay! Listen man........"

 from the bestselling new book FAKE NEWS from Amazon http://a.co/ctBGQiF

"Your Honor" you be the Judge! from the Vernon Rust book FAKE NEWS

CONWAY TWITTY & I shared the same attorney.

 HE DIED a week before my court date.

With no will. With a new wife...and a few "Twitty Kids" running around. Estate hell. My little marital failure was dwarfed in size and attention...small potatoes in the break room at the law firm...(note to self: when your lawyer wont make eye contact when you're on the witness stand...you are profoundly & utterly screwed)...DAMN YOU CONWAY! Damn you back to Arkansas!

THIRTY DAYS! BAILIFF LOCK HIM UP! Downstairs to the holding cell. The bailiff was a skinny cat with big bug glasses and an ill fitting suit...he had just locked me in and to lie down…to crash on the luxurious chrome bench when he called out…"Rust! Rust!”

               “…the judge fucked up! She got so mad, she forgot to give you ability to purge! “(Funny thing was, that's exactly what I did in my pants when those handcuffs went on)

 . . . continued

from the new Vernon Rust book FAKE NEWS! on Amazon  http://a.co/ctBGQiF

CHICKEN FRIED & CERTIFIED just a little 'Fake News' Vernon Rust

let me tell you about the 'Country'

MY BARE COUNTRY FEET know the coolness of the fresh turned Earth behind a mule in the spring garden......seeing a fat black snake make a run through the high grass...the smell of the thick, funky, sweet rot of the Louisiana soil...rabbits zig zagging thru the weeds and briars...the huge old plantation bell starts to ring back and forth…bong…bong…bonnnng…3 notes ringing for supper…just the one…

                      when supper was getting’ ready.

NOW DON'T GET ME wrong, we took algebra and wore shoes and listened to Hendrix & Cat Stevens & all but our farm was so far out in the sticks . . .

we had to head towards town . . .

to go hunting . 

from the Vernon Rust book FAKE NEWS   from Amazon!  http://a.co/ctBGQiF Fake News 

GHOSTS IN A MEAT SUIT

excuse me..EXCUSE ME!...a quick word people...ok, just a few things . . .

WE ARE ALL ETERNAL SOULS...inside a meat suit...riding an iron rock...going eighteen miles per second around a small dying star...in a galaxy containing 500 billion other stars.

THE IRON IN YOUR BLOOD...in your guitar strings...in the automobile you inhabit...came from a star that fizzled out somewhere...out yonder.

THE STARLIGHT you see has been traveling to your eyes for millions of years...THE MILKY WAY is pretty big ok but we KNOW there are at least 500 billion OTHER galaxies.

 The Bible you read has been edited a hundred times from the original scripture. Edited by the “Church” and an evil king.

NEWSFLASH! The Earth is billions of years old, and humans have ridden this little blue rock for millions of years. Everything under the sun has been before. Oh, and BTW, Jesus’s name was “Issa”. Mohammed and he are the biggest of buddies in the ‘Koran” and ‘Issa” is regarded as the true Messiah, to return and reign during the ‘end times’. (surprise!)

THERE IS NO DEATH or “Hell”...we keep coming into other meat suits, over & over, & over again...if you are having a hard time, suffering through something?...you must dive into the manure...if you want to find the pony...your greatest difficulty is your greatest opportunity...take it from an old manure diver from way back.

THE ONLY TRAGEDY in life...is suffering unpleasant circumstances............ without learning from it. Welcome to the “Karma Café”…there are no menus… we get what we deserve.

Now, lighten up, cut yourself some slack, try to focus on the big picture...YOU are ONE with the creator this very second . . .

       . . . and everything IS going to be alright.

OH, and take better care of your meat suit

you'll wish you had later.

 from the groundbreaking new book on Amazon FAKE NEWS http://a.co/ctBGQiF

BEFORE NASHVILLE GOT SICK . . .

BEFORE NASHVILLE got sick . . .

WE USED THESE big boxes with pulsating membranes and buzzing devices called "speakers"...they relayed electrical impulses from atomic impressions off magnetic "tape" after it ran electrical gauntlets thru glass "tubes" filled with inert gasses that would spank their insides with love and fury...through a thousand patched wires and gadgets before finessing, teasing & coaxing the bass and treble vibrations...pushing, bumping, & smashing the air...bathing the eardrums with natural analog born reproductions of the original sounds.

JUST PICTURE 2 people in a studo somewhere...at 4 AM...concentrating with all their hearts...unabashedly weeping from a song so good, so beautiful…

it leaves you thrashed, trashed, and baptized......

WE LISTENED thru boom boxes...we listened through speakers that cost more than our cars...

we listened so loud, sometimes . . .

                   the airport called up and complained about the noise. 

(from the bestselling new book FAKE NEWS available on Amazon http://a.co/ctBGQiF )

TRUE GHOST STORY

TRUE GHOST STORY

I GREW UP with straight up authentic voodoo enchanted haunted ghost story graveyard campouts by railroad tracks with so many ghosts of murdered old souls...the two ribbons of steel gleam in the moonlight...from  them dragging their toes…

...ask anyone who’s been down...and waited for midnight, parked on the tracks just off Forbing Road.

WE HAD a graveyard way back of our house…a hundred yards behind the barn. The graves were robbed a hundred years ago, and one night my buddy Doug and I got drunk and climbed down into .one of the brick lined grave holes.

JUST ABOUT the time we are about to get bored and go home, we heard a low guttural moan…like an old woman sobbing and wailing on the wind, when just about that time we hear something thrashing and crashing around in the bushes behind us.

Something hairy, huge and black just burst up out of one of the other graves in a shower of leaves and branches, shot up the crepe myrtle trees and made a deafening, shrieking sound as it flapped it’s giant wings and flew away into the foggy night like a pissed off pterodactyl, so big, it blacked out the full moon overhead.

(Ok, I’ll admit I made that last bit up.) 

from the groundbreaking new book...FAKE NEWS on AMAZON http://a.co/ctBGQiF